Bigger Disappointment - 2011 Phillies or 2011 Eagles?

The City of Losers

As a die hard fan of the Evil Empire with nothing to root for this October, I take great joy in seeing that sad city of Philly endure the losing efforts of their two marquee teams. I am not a Phillies hater as I enjoy the playing style of the Flyin' Hawaiian, find the Philly Phanatic quite entertaining and Ryan Howard's nose quite remarkable. In fact, our next blog will be a debate on whether the Phanatic or Howard has a bigger schnoz.

Howard's wife has special breath-right strips made for him out of duct tape.

"George, I know it doesn't sound right, but we actually spell Filadelfia, with a PH. By the way, you and Cheney still playing hide and seek with those WMD's?"

I am, however, an Eagles hater for multiple reasons: they once tried to kill my team's kicker, they cheered as my star receiver lay motionless on the field (you're right...he deserved it), and they have the NFL's Most Valuable Punk on their team (DeSean Jackass). Despite my distaste for the Eagles and their cheesy fight song, I still maintain that the Phillies are the bigger flop this year. I know the Philadelphia Beagles and their trainer Mike Vick are choking like A-rod in a big spot, but the reality is they still have 11 games to play. Their season is far from over and they have the talent to get back into a weak NFC East race. Please remember the other 3 NFC East teams have quarterbacks named Eli, Romo, and Grossman. Not exactly, Brady, Rogers, and Brees. I, of course, will be rooting against this scenario but I can at least recognize they have a pulse.

"Desean Jackson, Get in my belly!!!"

The Phillies, however, have no pulse. They were ousted by the underdog Cardinals and are now watching Dancing with the Stars and playing Hungry Hungry Hippos with their kids. This team finished with the best record in baseball at 102-60 and wielded one of the best pitching staffs in recent memory. In fact, they only gave up 529 runs for the whole year. The next closest team was the Braves at 605 runs. The expectations were World Series title or bust for this team. So, where do I place the blame. To start, this team had a roster full of All-Stars and two of their biggest stars, Ryan Howard and Hunter Pence, displayed some of the skills they learned at the Alex Rodriguez Clutch Hitting Baseball Camp by going 6-for-38 (.157). Umm, that's not good. Second, their vaunted pitching staff surrendered 19 runs in 5 games and many fans were screaming for Jamie Moyer and his 43 MPH fastball, especially after Cliff Lee's Game 2 performance (6 IP, 12 Hits, 5 Runs). Third, why did Charlie Manuel not employ a 3 man rotation of Halladay-Lee-Hamels? Roy Oswalt is just not that good and he proved me right in Game 4. Throughout the series it also seemed that Jimmy Rollins was more concerned about his hair and who might portray him in his upcoming A& E Biography.

Or, how inappropriate was it that Manager Charlie Manuel participated in a wet t-shirt contest called "Grandpa's Gone Wild."

"If you want my body and you think I'm sexy,
come on honey tell me so."

But despite all these possible reasons why they failed to win the championship, the only true reason was that God is not a Phillies fan. In fact, God is really not a fan of Philadelphia at all, especially after the many classless acts their fans have committed (ex. ice balls at Santa), the many un-Christian like activities of their players (ex. Iverson, Vick, Dykstra) and the inappropriate taunting of the Philly Phanatic at the beginning of the postseason. As all good teams and athletes know, you really want the Big Guy on your side going into the Big Games. I guess it's not always so sunny in Philadelphia these days!

Apparently, God was not thrilled with the taunts of a fuzzy mascot with bad eye-brows!

Little known Bible verse: "And God doth bellow, I hatest the Phillies." Malachi 1:3